


Mama, I just lost a man

by TerresDeBrume



Series: Rumor Has It (We're all selfish morons) [16]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Epistolary, Letter to the dead, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 17:05:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerresDeBrume/pseuds/TerresDeBrume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, this is it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mama, I just lost a man

**May 15, 2014**

Mama,  
  
Thrÿm is dead.  
I got the letter yesterday, while waiting for Thor and Sleipnir to come home and I… Oh, mama, I don’t know what to do. Did you know he almost apologized for what he did to you? Did you know he never even mentioned what he did to our family? That he didn’t even mention what he did to me?  
Twelve stab wounds, three broken lives, scars that will never heal, an addiction I spent a full decade getting rid of, nightmares, lies, a thousand things that I know are trying to destroy my life and he’s writing his fucking suicide note to me? I know you would hate to hear it, but sometimes he makes me wish I was never born.  
  
I’m not entirely certain why I keep writing to you about those things. It’s not like you are ever going to give me any answer but I guess… this is the point? To be able to just say things and not have anyone answer in any way, because there would be no satisfactory answers? I don’t think I can tell my therapist about that yet, unfortunately. I try, but this particular point… I don’t know. I need to digest it.  
  
I need time to accept that things in my life will never be simple.  
  
I need a vacation.  
There is so much drama going on around me lately I—Thor and I are incapable of even looking at each other for too long. We try to talk, at least. We set down at the dinner table and try to stay quiet, and then he’ll cry and I’ll shut down because I don’t know how to do anything else… and I hate myself for getting him through this mama, I really do, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t switch off what I feel for Tony. I can’t do that. I don’t want to lose Thor, but I can’t deny what I feel. It’s impossible.  
  
I wonder, sometimes, what Sleipnir will think if he reads these letters after I’m gone… they don’t tell the whole story, of course. Nothing ever does. But I wonder… I hope, if he does, he will forgive me for not telling him this. These are things I can barely bring myself to talk about with my therapist. I can’t do that with my son. Not now. Maybe not ever. Not when it’s tearing me and his Daddy apart.  
Oh, mama, sometimes I wish you were here with me. That I could come to you and just get a hug because my face says I need it.  
  
I don’t have this in my life, mama. I used to, before Bruce left for India, before Tony and I stopped talking. But it’s gone. Bruce is the only positive thing that came out of all those years in a stinky house where drugs where my best escape, and he’s not even here with me.  
And I’m trying, you know, to find the words. To explain what my past is like, to put it in accurate words but I always fail and Thor… Thor doesn’t get that. He tries, he does his best, and he will get it, eventually -which, honestly, is far more than I deserve- but for now… it just hurts.  
  
Like I said, I’m not entirely sure why I keep writing to you. Perhaps it is because I feel you are the only one I can burden with the true extent of my pain. I don’t know. I suppose I never will. I just… I don’t want to ruin Sleipnir with all that. I don’t want to put that on his shoulder -he is happy, he is bright, and perfect. I love him so much mama, I never want him to know what it feels like to be in my head.  
  
And as hypocritical as it sounds, I still haven’t found a better way to shield him from all that than lie to him.  
  
I just want things to be okay for once. I need time to think. To sort out things. I need to go.  
  
  
  
  
  
Tony didn’t even pick up the phone  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Loki

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments and critiques are dearly appreciated <3
> 
> (Please keep all threats and punishment virtual, I don't want my house to blow up!)


End file.
